look no pants
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
