before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
