I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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