Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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