The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
