i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
