I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
