She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
