Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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