i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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