Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
