I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
