Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
