Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
