I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
