if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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