the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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