Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
