u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize