Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
