now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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