Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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