Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize