The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's always time for handjobs
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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