I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found your dick twin last night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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