there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
