Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize