So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
