so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
