i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
