connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
