The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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