I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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