wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
