All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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