he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
