Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
