My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
