I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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