ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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