So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
