I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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