I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
