I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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