remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
