It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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