The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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