guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
