you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
