we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
