he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize