His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize