Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
