if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
