I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
