i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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