In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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