Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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