five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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