I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize