just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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