A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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