...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
