You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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