remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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