One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
